Struggles

It's time to get real here folks.

So bear with me while I quickly delve into the depths of something I'm having a few minor issues with. It's not gonna be pretty, but every once in a while we have to go deeper than recipes and Harry Potter, right? It's what makes us relatable, right?

Anyway. Here goes.

I applied to graduate school. Some of you know this already. To others, surprise! I chose this crazy cool/expensive/difficult program at this fantastic school and just went for it. I was super stoked about the possibilities of furthering my education, but was also mindful of the burden that school would put on us. We dont have kids, so that's nothing to worry about, but the costs are astronomical (or at least it sure seems like it to me!) and the time commitment of full time graduate school and a full time job would make my free time essentially nonexistent. So I prayed about it. I prayed that God would use this to bring great glory to Himself. I prayed that He would remove feelings of pride, recognition-seeking or just degree/money-seeking. And then I asked that things just be really really simple. Black and White. In or out. Yes or no. God's will? Accepted. Not God's will? Declined.

I even had this idea in my mind of a cute/funny blog post. It'd have been something about Jordan and I facing a huge life change this fall... something that would keep me up late at night and drain all our money but would be worth it in the end. Something that seemed like we were having a baby, but it'd really be graduate school. Something that would frustrate (in a loving way) all those people who are pressuring us to have a baby (in a loving way, I'm sure.).

And then I got wait-listed. Let the heartburn commence.

No easy, simple answers. Not really declined, but not officially accepted either. I'm in limbo. I really wasnt all that great at being patient from the time I clicked "send" in January to April when I found out that I was chosen as an alternate. Since April, I've been mostly a basket case. Now, not only am I still waiting and trying to be patient, but I'm pretty much 100% certain that I'm only waiting to hear no thanks in the end.

I've never been declined from any program or job that I've applied to, so this is a whole new, painful humbling experience. Mostly I feel like I've failed. And telling well-meaning people who ask about school has also been ugly and embarrassing. Not fun.

Thanks for letting me vent all my frustrations. I'm not really in the market for sympathy. Although, extra prayers for understanding and patience and AN ACCEPTANCE LETTER would certainly be appreciated. I am still really excited about the idea of graduate school and would be overjoyed to get the opportunity to start this fall. And pray for Jordan while you're at it. I think maybe I'm making him a little crazy with my daily whinings about not getting a phone call. He may need an extra dose of patience as well. Among other things.