Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Let's Get Down to the Nitty Gritty

You get 6 points if you read the title in your best Nacho Libre voice.

Disclaimer: I haven't been doing this labor & delivery thing forever. I don't know everything. Things are going to get gross FAST. Don't say I didn't warn you. The End.

What percentage of patients poop while pushing?

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

This is probably one of the most frequently asked questions. EVER. Apparently this is one of the few things that pregnant women are truly concerned with, because almost every patient makes mention of this smelly bodily function. I've had to have a few "Come to Jesus" talks with patients who simply didn't want to push because they were more concerned with pooping than they were with delivering. But here's the thing: this kid's head is going to take up every last square centimeter of it's momma's bottom when it's coming out, thus anything hanging around gets pushed out by the head. There's no way around it people! Anyway- Being that this is quite the hot topic, I didn’t want to mislead any of you lovely (and curious) readers. So, I polled a small group of nurses to check and make sure my experiences were universal.

We all pretty much agreed on... 70%. Give or take a few.

Probably 80% of those who poo-poo just make little dingleberries. Aaaaaaand the remaining 20% will stink up the entire unit. With some clever usage of underpads, washcloths and Hibaclens, the dingle-ers may not even be aware of their smelly indiscretions. If you ever hear the term “code brown” being thrown around the nurse’s station, you can rest assured that some patient somewhere on the unit has dropped a bomb. Obviously, it's not a pleasant part of my job, but it comes with the territory. L&D is slap full of disgusting bodily fluids. And besides that, lets face it...

Taking it a few steps past the line, I’ll be gross and frank: A patient’s nurse is usually already aware if her patient is … ready to deliver. And by ready to deliver, I don’t mean a baby. Let me bring you to another level of gross awareness: We labor nurses can feel whats in your poop chute when we check your cervix.

While my little opinion group was giggling over our own disgusting patient poop stories, one of the OB-GYNs interjected with his own absolutely revolting experience with an impacted patient. He said this lady had not pooped in 4 weeks and her dookie had become hard and impacted (meaning stuck in her rectum). Being that he was only a lowly intern, he got the job of digitally removing this giant mass of turd. The "digital" that I'm referencing in this story is not referring to a type of clock. Picture this- he said it was so bad, she would've needed a C-section because there was no room for the baby to fit through there. Anyway, there was a sea of diarrhea behind all those rocks and when the dam was broken, Dr. X needed a new change of scrubs. Moral of the story? Take your colace ladies.

Lastly, keep in mind, those of you who are planning on one of them fancy-pants crunchy granola all-natural at-home water/tub births, you’ll probably poop too. But you’re in luck!...

(Thanks Pinterest for the pics. You've made my blog picture searching life so much easier.)


Kendra said...

This was hilarious! I didn't hear a "code brown" during my delivery...but you never know! lol

The Lowry Place said...

Makes me wnat to have another baby. I did think about that but I never mentioned it out loud to anyone I just didn't want to know.

Melissa said...

:) I only found out recently that a code brown occurred with my delivery of Samantha. The other two were to quick, so I was fortunately in the % that didn't leave any unpleasant gifts for the doctor and nurses.

I miss your wit! Maybe one day we'll both be in Augusta at the same time, with no crazy schedules, sickness, or distractions!

Erika said...

BAHAHAHAH...this is so awesome. If THIS doesn't get you jonesin' for pregnancy...I mean...what would?

Emily said...

I read this while grabbing lunch in the food court at Northpark by myself and laughed out loud. LOUD.

I was that weird lady eating lunch by herself laughing to herself because of this post.

I can only imagine the ridiculousness that you have seen and heard. I hope I was a good patient!

Fash Boulevard said...

haha. i love this. soooo funny. thanks for another amazing post. Would love if you'd check out my latest celebrity trend report and see pictures from my Rachel Zoe encounter. xoxo


Jill said...

hahahaha!!! very funny!

i'm a nurse, too....but i work on an inpatient psych unit. strangely, i feel like our jobs probably aren't that different...ha!

Jill said...

and hollie, my hubby is a pastor, too!

Mark & Abbie said...

Great poop stories! Tracy told me I just had to read your blog especially your L&D stories since I've been the patient quite a few times. So, I have a question...what do nurses think of those half crunchy granola mamas who want to have a baby all-natural (and those that actually do) without an epidural in the hospital? I've shared my experience quite a few times on my blog (well, three) and the nurses responses are quite interesting (especially the first) but they mostly just leave me alone and only come if I ask them to...i.e. push the call button.

carisa said...

love your blog

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