Tuesday, January 15, 2013

OH the Sadness

My little momma heart is about to crumple this morning as I sit in solitude.

Maybe that mom was right this morning in her urgings to spend my free day napping. Not because I'm in desperate need of good sleep, but just to pass the time without dwelling every second on the absence.

Yes, friends.... Isaac is at Mother's Day Out.

[cue sniffles]

In an effort to decrease the heartache that is coming next week as I return to work, we have employed the seemingly brilliant plan of gradually lengthening the time and distance away from Isaac in the days leading up to the mind-numbingly difficult 14 hour long absence. But is it really a "brilliant" plan? Because I'm sure I'll still sob in the car through the entire 45 mile commute. And catch myself choking back emotion throughout the day. And speed home as every second of the drive feels like an hour. Oh, if God aches more deeply for me than I do for Isaac, then His love truly is unfathomable.

The first phase of my plan went into action Sunday morning. Isaac went to church nursery during the Sunday school hour.
First Sunday in the nursery! 
We got him dressed and his diaper bag loaded up and with great reluctance and trepidation, I placed him in the arms of some very excited nursery workers (who would coincidentally also be his MDO ladies. And as a side note, our church refers to MDO as Discovery Days, so I'll use the terms and their abbreviations interchangeably.) and I went and taught Sunday school for the first time in months. I warned the high school girls that I'd probably be unable to form complete sentences, but they hung in there and we got through it. Lo and behold, Isaac was happy as a clam when I picked him up. We both survived and I think I did quite well during that hour-long absence. 

Phase two of my weaning plan began this morning and it's been significantly harder than phase one was. Sure, he's at our church. And Jordan is in the office today, which means he's literally 30 seconds down the hall. But still. I had intended to take a picture again this morning to mark his first day at Discovery Days, but my hurried-slash-overwhelmed-with-anxiety brain completely forgot. Good grief, does this ever get easier?! My grandiose plans of being super productive have been washed away. Instead of exercising, straightening the house, spending some time in God's Word, taking a leisurely shower, and having lunch with a friend, I'll cry for a while, mope around the house, get a single load of laundry in the wash, hopefully shower, and still grab a bite to eat. Then, when 2pm hits, Jordan will rescue Isaac from the truly wonderful women caring for him and I'll cuddle my little buddy for the remainder of the afternoon (and pray he didn't pick up the nasty flu/stomach virus that's been rampant around these parts. Wash your hands folks!).

Phase three starts thursday morning: we'll take him once again to DD/MDO but this time, Jordan is off and so neither of us will be in the building with him. Phase four is next Tuesday when I'll drop him off once again and spend my free time in Corpus getting ready for work. Phase five (the final) is next Thursday, my first shift at work since Isaac was born. I'm certain that one day I'll be begging for a moment of silence/alone time or enjoy my work days surrounded by adults and not diapers and spit up, but that day is not today. 

And I don't think it'll be this week.

Or next week either for that matter.


Brian Koch said...

I'll always remember the first day of dropping off Bailey at daycare. She was 3-4 months old. I cried in the car after dropping her off. I didn't want to leave. Eventually, we came to grips with reality. She survived daycare ;) You'll be fine.

tracy said...

I'm right there with you. Even though mine are bigger, I still get separation anxiety if they're not with family. I think I have a problem ;(

~Stephanie said...

I rush through an "alone" trip to Target and check my phone constantly. It is completely silly and heart wrenching at the same time. Hang in there, mama!

Susannah said...

My heart breaks just reading this. Good luck!

Mandi said...

You made it(and your little guy did great, too)! I'll remind you on Thursday to get a "1st week at Discovery Days" photo :). I feel your ache to have him with you every second. You're right-God's love and desire for us is definitely beyond our comprehension if is it more than our love for our babies! “Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”~Elizabeth Stone

Casey B said...

That is just too pitiful and sad hol. He's growing up too quickly and I don't like it!! You're a great Momma though and He's such a good boy. I'm sure that they take great care of him, but I know its not the same as having him at home in your arms.

Catherine Miller said...

you poor thing. in canada we get 15 weeks of maternity leave and then 37 weeks of parental leave - that's a whole year!!! I can totally believe your heart is breaking...mine would have too. it sounds like you have a wonderful support system around you, though and that makes all the difference!

good luck!

Whitney Lane said...

Right there with you, girl! LOVE this post!! Hope it goes even better than you expect. :)

Abby said...

Honestly, the first day back at work wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. It was actually nice to catch up with co-workers and have adult conversations. It was day 2, 3, etc when I realized this was our new reality and I had to get used to being away from him that were the hardest! I wouldn't say that it gets easier to leave them (at least with them being so little right now), but you will get used to it. Knowing that his happy when you pick him up will definitely help make it easier on you too! Hang in there, you can do it!

Emily said...

You are better than me! I held my baby non-stop the week before I went back to work (and cried a whole, whole lot!)

But! My first day back at work was really good. Everyone made me feel so at home and like they really missed me. I also knew my baby was in really great hands that I trusted, and that made all the difference.

I hope you have a wonderful first day back!

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